Should Children Attend Funerals? A Compassionate Guide for Parents

The question of whether children should attend funerals is a delicate and personal one that many parents grapple with. While there's no one-size-fits-all answer, understanding the potential benefits and considerations can help you make an informed decision for your family. Let's explore this topic with sensitivity and care.

The Importance of Including Children in the Grieving Process

Before we delve into the specifics, it's crucial to recognise that children, like adults, need to grieve. Excluding them from the process can sometimes do more harm than good. Funerals can play a significant role in:

1. Helping children understand the finality of death
2. Providing an opportunity to say goodbye
3. Allowing children to see how adults handle grief
4. Offering a chance for family support and togetherness

Factors to Consider When Deciding

1. The Child's Age and Maturity Level

While there's no specific age threshold, consider your child's ability to understand death and sit quietly through a service. Generally:

• Preschoolers may struggle with the concept of death's permanence
• School-age children often have a better grasp of death but may need extra support
• Teenagers can usually comprehend the situation more fully but may have intense emotional reactions

2. The Child's Relationship to the Deceased

If the child was close to the person who passed away, attending the funeral might be an important part of their grieving process. However, if they didn't know the person well, it might be less crucial for them to attend.

3. The Child's Wishes

Ask your child if they want to attend. Explain what a funeral is and what they can expect. Respect their decision, whether they want to go or not.

4. The Nature of the Service

Consider whether the funeral will be particularly long, formal, or potentially distressing. A celebration of life might be more appropriate for children than a traditional, somber service.

Preparing Children for a Funeral

If you decide that your child should attend, preparation is key:

Explain what will happen: Describe the service, including what they'll see and hear. Our eulogy examples page can give you an idea of what might be said.

Discuss emotions: Let them know it's okay to feel sad, cry, or even laugh if they remember something funny about the person.

Address appropriate dress: Help your child understand what to wear to show respect at a funeral. For detailed guidance on appropriate funeral attire for all ages, visit our guide on Funeral Dress Code.

Set expectations: Explain how they should behave and for how long they'll need to sit quietly.

Offer choices: Let them decide if they want to view the body or participate in any rituals.

Plan an exit strategy: Arrange for someone to take the child out if they become overwhelmed.

Alternatives to Attending the Full Service

If you decide against full attendance, consider these alternatives:

Partial attendance: Allow the child to attend part of the service or just the wake.

Private goodbye: Arrange a private moment for the child to say goodbye, perhaps at the funeral home before the service.

Memorial activity: Help the child create a memory book, draw pictures, or write a letter to the deceased.

Graveside visit: Take the child to visit the grave after the funeral when it's quieter and less overwhelming.

Supporting Children Through Grief

Whether or not they attend the funeral, supporting children through grief is crucial:

Be honest: Answer their questions truthfully, using clear, age-appropriate language.

Encourage expression: Allow them to express their feelings through talk, play, or art.

Maintain routines: Keep as much normalcy in their lives as possible.

Share memories: Talk about the person who died. Our Funeral Speech tool can help you collect and organise memories to share with your child.

Seek help if needed: Don't hesitate to consult a child psychologist or grief counsellor if you're concerned about your child's reaction.

The Power of Poetry in Explaining Death to Children

Sometimes, poetry can help explain difficult concepts to children in a gentle, accessible way. Our poems page offers a selection of verses that might be appropriate for helping children understand death and remembrance.

Conclusion: Trust Your Instincts

Ultimately, you know your child best. Trust your instincts and do what feels right for your family. Remember, there's no "correct" decision – what matters most is that you support your child through the grieving process in a way that feels appropriate and meaningful for them.

Whether your child attends the funeral or not, the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open, offer plenty of love and support, and allow them to grieve in their own way. By doing so, you'll help them develop healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with loss throughout their lives.