What Not to Say to Someone Who is Grieving: A Guide to Compassionate Communication

When someone we know is grieving, it's natural to want to offer comfort and support. However, even with the best intentions, we can sometimes say things that are more hurtful than helpful. Understanding what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say. This guide will help you navigate these sensitive conversations with empathy and care.

The Importance of Mindful Communication

Before we delve into specific phrases to avoid, it's crucial to understand why our words matter so much during times of grief. When someone is mourning, they're often in a vulnerable state, and our words can have a profound impact. The right words can offer comfort, while the wrong ones can cause unintended pain or make the person feel misunderstood.

Common Phrases to Avoid

1. "I know how you feel."

While meant to be empathetic, this phrase can come across as dismissive. Every loss is unique, and even if you've experienced a similar loss, you can't truly know exactly how another person feels.

Instead, try: "I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, but I'm here for you."

2. "They're in a better place."

This religious or spiritual sentiment might not align with the grieving person's beliefs. Even if it does, it doesn't negate the pain of the loss.

Instead, try: "I'm so sorry for your loss. [Name] meant so much to so many people."

3. "Everything happens for a reason."

This platitude can seem to minimise the person's loss and imply that their pain is part of some greater plan, which can be hurtful.

Instead, try: "This must be so difficult. Is there anything I can do to support you?"

4. "You need to be strong."

This puts unnecessary pressure on the grieving person to suppress their emotions.

Instead, try: "It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. I'm here to support you."

5. "At least they lived a long life."

While meant to provide perspective, this can make the person feel like their grief is unjustified.

Instead, try: "They lived such a full life. Would you like to share some memories of them?"

6. "You'll get over it in time."

Grief doesn't have a timeline, and suggesting that it does can make the person feel rushed or abnormal if they're still struggling after a certain period.

Instead, try: "Grief is a process, and everyone experiences it differently. Take all the time you need."

7. "Call me if you need anything."

While well-intentioned, this puts the onus on the grieving person to reach out, which they may not have the energy to do.

Instead, try: "I'm going to drop off a meal for you on Tuesday. Is there a good time for me to come by?"

8. "Look on the bright side..."

Trying to find a silver lining can seem insensitive and dismissive of their pain.

Instead, try: "This must be incredibly hard. I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk."

9. "You should..." or "You will..."

Giving unsolicited advice or making predictions about how they'll feel can be presumptuous and unhelpful.

Instead, try: "Everyone grieves differently. How can I best support you right now?"

What You Can Do Instead

1. Listen more than you speak: Often, your presence and willingness to listen are more comforting than any words.
2. Acknowledge their pain: Simple phrases like "I'm so sorry" or "This must be so difficult" can be very comforting.
3. Share memories: If you knew the deceased, sharing fond memories can be a beautiful way to honour their life. Our eulogy examples page might inspire some ideas.
4. Offer specific help: Instead of vague offers, suggest concrete ways you can assist, like bringing meals or helping with errands.
5. Continue to check in: Grief doesn't end after the funeral. Regular check-ins in the weeks and months that follow can be deeply appreciated.

The Power of Written Words

Sometimes, finding the right words in the moment can be challenging. Writing a heartfelt note or card allows you to carefully consider your words. If you're struggling to express your condolences in writing, our Funeral Speech tool can help you craft a sensitive and personalised message.

Writing a Sympathy Card

A thoughtful sympathy card can provide lasting comfort to those who are grieving. It allows you to express your condolences in a way that the recipient can revisit whenever they need support. If you're unsure about what to write in a sympathy card, our guide on writing sympathy cards offers helpful tips and examples. This resource can assist you in crafting a message that conveys your support and compassion without falling into the trap of using potentially hurtful phrases.

Remember, in a sympathy card, it's often best to keep your message simple and sincere. Express your condolences, share a fond memory of the deceased if you have one, and offer specific support if you can.

Using Poetry to Express Sympathy

When our own words fail us, poetry can often express complex emotions beautifully. Our poems page offers a selection of verses that might be appropriate for sharing with someone who is grieving.

Conclusion: Compassion is Key

Remember, there's no perfect thing to say to someone who is grieving. What matters most is your sincere compassion and willingness to be there for them. By avoiding these potentially hurtful phrases and focusing on listening and offering specific support, you can provide comfort during a difficult time.

Grief is a complex and personal journey. By being mindful of our words and actions, we can create a supportive environment that allows the bereaved to grieve in their own way and at their own pace. Your presence, empathy, and willingness to listen can be the greatest comfort of all.